What do I call my in-laws?

Dear Jean and Stena,

My boyfriend just proposed and I said "Yes!" I met with parents while we were dating and attended a few family gatherings, but now I'm going to be seeing them for the first time as the fiance. In the past I called them "Mr. and Mrs." but now that I'm about to become their daughter-in-law, I'm hoping to drop that formality. What should I do? Do I make the first move or wait for them to bring up the subject? And, what if I don't feel comfortable with what they suggest?

Signed,
Soon-to-be married!

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Dear Soon-to-be Married,

Definitely not alone on this one. Let’s be honest, nothing kills a conversation faster than not feeling confident in using a person’s name. Furthermore? Killed conversations is no way to build a better relationship with your ILs.

My MIL actually saved me from this one on my first visit to their house while I was dating my husband. I was navigating pretty cool-like through the seas of not using her name when she caught me in the kitchen one day. "Stena, just call me Jean." Boom...problem solved.

Recognizing that not everyone will be thrown a white and red lifesaver like I was...here's a simple solution: It doesn’t matter what you call them (well, within reason) just so that you agree on a name that you all feel comfortable with. Your best bet is to tentatively decide on something and approach each in-law individually on the subject. A simple, “What would you like me to call you?” would do the trick. If they're indifferent? Follow up with a, “So may I call you _______?” Done, settled, finished.

They very well could have an opinion (as my MIL did) so do your best to respect it and adjust to calling them according to their wishes…it is their name after all. If you don't feel comfortable with the name they give express that to them and settle on something else. It may be a little awkward expressing that, but a moment of awkwardness is the price you pay for a lifetime of comfort on the subject.

Also consider fun (respectful) nicknames. Nicknames can be very endearing and add a friendlier aspect to any relationship. Ma or Momma J or Mrs. Mom...I don't know…you find one that you like and run it by them. I've seen this go really well with a couple of my friends (including my DH). Extra emphasis on running it by them though as I just found out a few weeks ago that my BIL of 5 years doesn't like nicknames...oops.

All the Best,
Stena

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Dear Soon-to-Be Married,

I remember the first time I heard a recently married friend of mine refer to her husband’s mother as “mom”…it was like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard and I felt as if she had just put a knife through her own mother’s heart. When I asked my friend how she could possibly refer to this new woman in her life as “mom”, she said it was what the mother-in-law had asked that she call her. I instantly disliked the woman and had to rethink my thoughts about her son, aka, my good friend’s husband..

Fortunately not everyone shares my views—and certainly not Stena, my own sweet daughter-in-law who is so much more level headed and thoughtful than I am. Maybe my feelings come from my own parents who, when my oldest sister brought home a serious boyfriend, introduced themselves as “Ellen and Matt” and told him that was what he should call them.

My own poor mother never knew what to call her mother-in-law and used a variety of names and visual cues on her over the years. Edie, Mrs. Harrington, along with the “let me catch her eye before speaking to her”, and she even used the old, “Matt, dear, would you like to tell your mother…” My mom was thrilled when her first baby was born because suddenly the mother-in-law became “Grandma” not only to the baby, but also to my mom. In the all years that followed, you would never hear my mom use any name but “Grandma” when talking to or about my father’s mother.

I had been married for 6 months before I had met my own in-laws—heck, before I even had any contact with them. As you can probably guess, when we finally met, there was no question what I’d be calling them (if needed, see paragraph 1). “Charlie, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you” and “Rae, what a lovely home you have.” If they had hoped to have me call them “mom” and “dad” they were out of luck. Over the years, my mother-in-law and I kept up a correspondence through letter writing (this was long before cell phones and back when long distant phone charges could easily break one’s bank!) and she would always sign her letters “Mom and Dad Winge.” In the early years, I always started my letters with “Dear Charlie and Rae” but as time passed, I did relax a bit and began starting my letters with “Dear Mom and Dad Winge”…and believe me, I never left off the “Winge.” It’s not that I don’t love them dearly, it’s just that for me, they will never be my parents.

But, everyone is different…what a blessing that is! Stena offered some great advice, but remember, your fiancé might already know what his/her parents want to be called—especially if there are siblings who are already married. So, start with that conversation. If it’s a name that you aren’t comfortable with, talk it over with your fiancé—make sure he/she understands your feelings and supports you in whatever name you choose. Having your soon-to-be-spouse on your side now will bode well when other challenges come up in the years ahead.

Cheers,

Jean